A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to 40
When I was 30, I could look down, glance at my beautifully manicured toenails, quickly throw on a sleeveless dress, throw my hair up in a messy bun, and dash out the door.
Now, when I look down, there is this thing in the way. Some may call it a belly. Some may call it a hill. I may call it a WHAT-THE-HECK-HAVE-YOU-BEEN-EATING-OH-YEAH-STOP-EATING-SO-MUCH-FREAKING-CHOCOLATE mountain. And there is an unrecognizable texture to this said mountain. At 25, I’d run my hand over my stomach and feel a smooth cotton. Now, the material can only be described as a crepe. Or linen after a long plane flight. No, crepe, but after it’s been folded into a little ball, beaten, then unrolled and thrown onto my mid-section.
And then there are the arms. The arms are still there, don’t you fret. But there is this section in a previously unidentified area, right under the back of the arm. I had heard of love handles before. But I had never heard of love underarms before. And I’m not sure they are considered quite as sexy. But, you see, you can still grab onto these handles, as awkwardly placed as they may be. They even conveniently hang over your bra for easy access. In fact, they hang so much over, when you look in the mirror, it looks like you are smuggling sausages out of an all-you-can-eat Vegas buffet.
At 25, if you got invited to an event for which you wanted to look nice, you’d maybe try on one or two outfits already in your closet 30 minutes before leaving, toss on some heels, maybe paint your toes while you watched TV, toss your fingers through your hair, and be set. Now, preparing for an evening outing where you don’t want to scare your fellow patrons involves three weeks’ notice and planning.
For example, if you want your eyebrows waxed, the appointment must take place at least two days before a spray tan. And if you want them tinted, you need to schedule a patch test at least two days before the appointment to make sure your skin doesn’t break out into boils upon contact with the dye. If you want your hair highlighted and cut, you’ll want to schedule your appointment for about a week before the event so the colour has time to settle in. If you want your nails done, you want it done the day before a spray tan or else when the nail lady uses the razor thing to scrape off your callouses and she exfoliates your lower legs, she might rub off some of the spray tan. And you’ll need to exfoliate the day before your spray tan unless you want to come out looking like your toddler painted random parts of your body orange, but you don’t want your spray tan too close to the event otherwise everyone will know you didn’t just hop back from the Maldives on your private jet the day before. And the day of the spray tan, you must wear loose fitting clothing afterwards, including no bra, so you don’t get weird orange stripes where the bra straps hit. And you’ll smell very strange. And you’ll look like an Oompa Loompa. So, in everyone’s best interest, it’s best not to work on the day of the spray tan. Basically, if you want to look put together, you’ll need a PhD in Excel to keep track of when and where and how each appointment must occur. Failure to adhere to the proper order of upkeep will result in – gasp – possibly unmanicured fingers and toes, bushy eyebrows, and general, overall paleness. And, at 40, when you are already smuggling sausages and wearing crepe, these things matter
This is 40, people. This is 40. Or you could just not care and accept the natural aging process, but I’m way to mature for that.